I lost my virginity at age 15, in a trailer. I remember his abs glowing under the black-light and the mood music–a Genuwine album on repeat. I had snuck out on a snowy school night, holding my shoes in my hand. I felt sort of frozen and surreal, somehow knowing this was the night, and barely noticing the fact that I was just wearing wet socks in his car.
There isn’t much to describing first time sex. I felt more like I was watching myself from above than experiencing it, thinking “oh my god, this is sex!” or “just move to Genuwine” Afterward, naked and side by side, I stared into his eyes, my heart feeling huge. My virginity had become a burden that past year and this was, surely, a turning point in my life. He suddenly locked eyes with mine and opened his mouth… I wanted to remember every second of this… “Want a Capri Sun?” He asked.
Yesterday, I blogged about some new studies showing that women feel more depressed and have lower self esteem after first time sex. This sits with me because after that momentous Capri Sun, I would feel depressed. And while lots of you guys felt happy and great afterwards, some were with me. I left it up to you to define what virginity meant. But, maybe we need to throw out the idea of virginity altogether. Maybe we need to toss away the idea that you “lose” something from a single act. First time sex is something you have again and again in so many different ways. Perhaps teaching this would help with those depression stats. At least I imagine if I could tell this to my 15 year old self, sipping the Capri Sun, it would have helped with mine.
Parts of this story are an excerpt–Read more about my first time sex at The Frisky