Who’s Afraid of Bisexual Men?

14thJun. × ’10

I’m sitting on the edge of the bed. The room is dark, filled with the sound of flesh smacking flesh and throaty “ahhhhhs.” Next to me are huddles of middle aged men, standing, pants-off, half-hard. I’m sitting upright, purse in lap feeling a bit overdressed.

In front of me is a triple set of couples, all in the doggy-style position, fucking in front of a mirror. Guy on girl, guy on guy, guy on girl. The earthy smell of anal sex filters the air.

It’s a swinger party. Or “lifestyle party” if you prefer. But something here is different. This party is Chicago’s first and only all bisexual lifestyle party. Usually, guy on guy sex is sort of not allowed.

I’m here undercover, doing a story for Gapers Block (click for entire story) In the lifestyle, I’ve learned, male bisexuality is taboo. Just like on TV or in small towns or high-schools.

I admire bisexual men. Not only do I find them strong and courageous and cool but I have a thing for them. They’re my “type.” Or, everyone is secretly bi and I just pull it out of the guys I date. Okay, I don’t *really* believe that, but because I’m bi, I tend to assume everyone else is too.

With swingers, female-bisexuality isn’t just encouraged, it’s expected. But why is male bisexuality feared? Is it because we associate homosexuality with taking on a female role? A silent patriarchal ban on men acting like women? In ancient Greece, homosexuality was permissible–only when the man was in the “top” role.

At the party, one woman said what set the bi party apart from the regular parties was that it’s a bit more aggressive. At most parties, women have control and men are less active in initiating. But in this space where men hit on other men, testosterone flourishes. I didn’t feel unsafe, but I did feel this vibe. The guys were there to play, and it felt like a celebration of male sexuality. Is that why we are so scared of their bisexuality? I wondered Is it because we condemn and dismiss male sexuality as a whole?

This woman’s husband was the bottom-half in the guy-on-guy scene. I asked him, why the taboo? “Honestly, I think it is leftover from AIDS and the big scare that caused in the ’80s. I think since then we’ve had this fear of male bisexuality, not female bisexuality.”

As homosexuality is no longer erased, it seems bisexuality would adjacently become acceptable. But I think that homophobia hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s instead pushed inside. Even the squarest, straightest people know it’s not cool to gay-bash. Instead of “you’re a fag” it’s become “well that’s okay for you, I guess, but I’M NOT gay.”

This makes exploring bisexuality kinda impossible. It takes a lot of self-awareness and courage to probe the fact that you might be bisexual and much more to come out (and play.)

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  1. Justin Laws
    Posted 2010-06-21 at 23:26 | Permalink

    I have only ever met one other bisexual male, and the sad thing is, neither of us get along with each other. And I think that came down to personal beliefs.
    Most of my sexual experience is with women, bisexual women, in fact. I’ve only ever slept with two other men. Once, while buzzed on a few beers, I was sitting with some of the gays that come into my bar, and I was talking with one of them. I realized something funny that night; i was treating it like I was trying to sleep with a woman. When that hit me, I said this to him, then, boldly and upfront I said, “Let’s go back to your place and have some fun.” That was a couple of months ago. Was a fun time. But I felt like something was missing.. a woman, obviously. For whatever reason.. I haven’t thought about it much. The other time was my first sexual experience at the age of 16, which didn’t turn out well, even though I enjoyed the sexual aspect. The other guy freaked out. Which made me freak out. Ha!
    Thanks to my upbringing, though, I had kept my bisexual lifestyle closed off until I was 30 years old. Then I came out with a righteous passion. Some jokes were made, for which I squelched, and bada bing bada boom; I am fully open about it. I embrace it. Most of the people in my life now know. It’s great to not be afraid. I will no longer be so.
    I just wanted to be free to be me. I was getting tired of being scared of talking about it. With anyone.
    We’ll see where this path leads me.
    BTW: If you have any questions, just ask me.

  2. Runwild
    Posted 2010-09-15 at 05:01 | Permalink

    As a bi guy I’ve wondered where all the other bi guys are. I have had only 1 bi guy friend in my life. I had a small crush on him but never told him thinking he was straight. Later I found out he was bi but we lost touch by then. I’m finally in the process of coming out. Haven’t lost a friend yet which gives me encouragement to keep outing myself. Maybe a secret bi guy friend will come out privately to me once everyone knows, if any of them are bi anyway. Thanks for the article.

  3. Br. Michael Oboza
    Posted 2011-01-25 at 17:01 | Permalink

    I am founder of Bisexual Queer Alliance Chicago. As a Bisexual man, I owe it to myself, first and far most, to embrace my birthright, being born bisexual in my own respectful way. It is my birthright that no one can take from me, not even me. Rock on!

  4. Rose
    Posted 2011-04-29 at 18:42 | Permalink

    A most dear friend of mine when we met was with his male partner, but I learned later he is openly bi, had a relationship with a woman in his past, and had known his life partner since they were kids. He and I never had relations, but he is the closest friend I have had, and I as a repressed bi-woman wanna be, found him fabulosly refreshing to talk with, he made no appologies for what he wanted or who he is … helped me to be more accepting of myself just by his take no prisioners attitude!!! Kudos to all who embrace who they are, it is an accomplishment to be proud of!!!