Some Kinky Tips for Curious Vanillas | 50 Shades of Trying Things

27thApr. × ’12

50 Shades of Gray is truly the gift to sex writers that never stops giving us time-pegs. Weeks ago for TheFrisky I wrote a guide to dipping your perfectly manicured (not-at-all-creepy) toe into the world of BDSM, with it’s sounds of German Industrial music and gallons of lube. Okay, I am trying to scare you. But (if you want) you can avoid dog-collars and guys who call themselves “Master DragonBallZ”–I promise.

Here are a few (bonus) ideas that didn’t make it into the piece, from sexologist Carol Queen and BDSM sex educators Maggie Mayhem and Mollena Williams and Kitty Stryker on how to get a little kink in your relationship.

What do you even do? Maggie suggests you brainstorm it out. “Think back on the (kinky) sexual images that have turned you on. What elements stick out and what parts you could do without? Is your goal to feel the physical sensations involved in a particular act or are you more interesting in the emotional side of the fantasy?”

How should you start? Shocker? Spanking (and all other sexy time acts) feel way better when you are turned on. “Start with the kind of sex you like that gets you going. If it turns out that you are turned on and into the spanking, it can be foreplay in the future, but for now, do something else that will be foreplay for it”" says Carol.

What does your partner want? Carol suggests the Exchanging Fantasies Game.  Together with your partner, make three lists: “One is the things you know you like or definitely want to try; the second is maybes; the third is Oh Hell No. Both partners make the lists and then compare — the yes list items on both people’s lists are a great place to begin.”

I also suggest the Seven Matrices of Submission a scale I’ve blogged about that helps subs figure out what they like and don’t like. And check out Debby Herbenick’s list of 60 things to do with a partner. Print them out, fill out separately and them come together with your lists. From here, I recommend making some “action” items, things to put on your sexual-to-do-list.

But wait, one more time, what does being kinky mean you actually doAll of the educators interviewed agree that role-play is a good start. Mollena Williams suggests starting with things that don’t require big props or purchases: “Can you do a role-play where one person gives all of the orders that night? Maybe a playful spanking if the obeying partner doesn’t obey fast enough?”

Or maybe blindfold (and/or tie up) your partner and tantalize their senses. Maggie suggests bringing “a surprise tray of fruit, wine, chocolate. There are the obvious sexual acts but you can also play with senses in other ways: rub your partner’s body with furry, feather-y things, line up scary looking dull kitchen utensils to graze over their skin, use ice cubes. How about ear-plugs or a white noise generator for further sensory deprivation?

Consent is Sexy. Kitty Stryker along with Maggie Mayhem started Consent Culture– a workshop series on consent. Stryker suggests BDSM players (and everyone really) learn something about body language. “If you are asking someone to do something with you, but  their arms are crossed and they are looking away they might mean ‘no’ even if they say ‘sure’.  We talk so much about verbal consent, but non verbal consent is important too.”

“And if someone says ‘no’ the best thing to do is smile at them and say ‘thank you for taking care of yourself’” adds Kitty. Additionally, Maggie suggests coming up with hand-signals in addition to safe-words.

If you really want to try things, workshops and books are probably the best way to get started. Here are  Carol Queen’s  picks for books to check out:

Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do it Safely by William Henkin and Sybil Holliday
The Topping Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
The Bottoming Book, same authors.
Especially great for beginners:
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Molly Devon and Philip Miller
Sensuous Magic by Patrick Califia.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Both comments and trackbacks are currently closed.