How to be as Horny as a Guy

31stMar. × ’11

Lazily plucking an old copy of The Bust Guide to the New Girl Order from the “feminism” section of my bookshelf, I came across a piece called “How to be as Horny as a Guy” written by someone named Lady J. While the idea of “being horny as a guy” felt kinda dated and gender-hetero-normative–I loved the piece. It was a subversive take on the usual lady-mag round-ups. And it was actually helpful. 

Inspired, I compiled my own “How to be as Horny as a Guy” tips. Like Lady J warns: horniness may lead to sex! So protect yourself, grrrrl.

  • Every time you go to the bathroom, touch yourself. Well hey, guys do it! I am all about a little sexy hand-slip. It makes you notice something else: peeing feels kind of good right?
  • Be a PIG. Next time you find yourself squirming, worried about your “freshness” during sex (hello, oral) think: Maybe your lover likes you all dirty, smelly, nasty, sweaty! Maybe they just want more and more and more of you.
  • In junior high I knew a girl named Heather whose locker was covered with the shirtless abs of Usher, LL Cool J, Tupac and Paul Walker from Varsity Blues.  I’m not sure how that last one got there either, but she inspired me to buy a shirtless Tupac calendar for my bedroom. There are so many images of sexy women in the world, if you dig sexy guys make a space for your eye-candy. Computer desktop? Framed in the bathroom? Bulletin board in your office? Heather seemed to be a 13 year old who knew what she was doing.
  • Have sex with girls. :P
  • Masturbation Challenge #1 Delve into your fantasy world. Every time you masturbate, challenge yourself to come up with a new scenario. Day to day, start noticing what turns you on, let your mind go wherever it wanders. You can always change the mental channel.
  • Find the form of birth control that works best for you: one you can take properly and feel good about. My uterus rocks the IUD.
  • Initiate something “crazy” in bed that you are sorta-interested in. A threesome?  DIY porn? golden showers, anal sex? Anal fisting? Ahhhh! I don’t know what is kinda crazy for you, but compile a list of wild that feels do-able. Check a few off in the next 3 weeks.
  • Having someone fetishize your body can feel awful, but I’ve met girls who say it’s empowering to know that no matter your body type, there are people out there who would “PAY GOOD MONIES” to worship it. The lesson? Your body is powerful.
  • Have an orgasm before, during or after sex. Take control and get yourself off.
  • Masturbation challenge part 2: Find porn you like! Just a site or two will do. Everytime you go to masturbate, I challenge you to qeue up some porn. Enjoy your smutty little get-away.
  • Get fetish-curious. I’m like: is that person without an arm hot? Or are they hot ‘cos they have no arm? I think my fetish is trying to decide what my fetishes are. As you hear about different types of sex, keep an open mind. Notice what turns you on in day to day life.
  • Read Craigslist Casual Encounters. I’m not gonna recommend becoming a pic-collector, but haaay, dick pics!
  • Play the F-Game! With a friend (or even alone, you minx, you) decide whether or not you would have sex with each person that crosses your path. State yes or no with each person you see.
  • See someone you really like? Eye-bang that sexy-fuck! Look, then look away for a half second. Look back and don’t be afraid to stare. Slow blink. Moan with your eyes, as my inner Tyra Banks would probably say.
  • Masturbation challenge 3! Add new toys to your masturbation routine. So if you use a vibe, add a dildo or challenge yourself to an anal toy. Girls and boys who play with themselves are girls and boys who know what they want. And that is hot.
  • When you are out for a night on the town, excuse yourself to the bathroom just to slip a finger in/touch yourself. Seduce yourself in the mirror.
  • Gender-fuck. Pretend to be a boy in bed, act or dress like one, put together a male swagger. Secretly tap into your male side whenever you want.
  • Imagine yourself as a stud, instead of a slut.
  • And this is where your tip goes. How can one be as “horny as a guy”?
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18 Comments

  1. B
    Posted 2011-03-31 at 11:03 | Permalink

    Being that I am a proud penis baring member of society, I am in full support of women attempting to match us men in the horny department. I’ve heard it told that women have a week before their period where-in they are as horny as men’s default. Women, if this is true for you, I think it is important for you to take note of this time in order to further sympathize with us males. Some might consider it torture to be so distracted by sexual thoughts. Now, once you have meditated on that, go on to Chat-roulette or some similar site and find a guy masturbating (it won’t take long). You don’t have to say or do anything because the guy probably just wants to be watched. Watch him until climax. I’m not sure if this will make you hornier but it will make the day of some random anonymous. Consider it sexual karma. ;)

  2. Posted 2011-03-31 at 11:08 | Permalink

    Oooh! Advice from an actual boy! Thank you, B.

    So what you are describing is ovulation, and it’s the time (post period actually) when women can get pregnant. So our sneaky bodies try to trick us into making babies. It’s like the human equivalent of going into heat. Women on hormonal birth control don’t have the tortures and joys of ovulation, because BC suppresses it.

    However, being on the non hormonal IUD I can tell you that ovulation DOES indeed make me feel like a raging hormonal 14 year old all over again, for one week a month. Which can be both ugly and hot.

    AND I LOVE THE CHATROULETTE TIP!!! It’s a fine place for masturbation/fantasy foddder :)

  3. Posted 2011-03-31 at 12:11 | Permalink

    This one may be in Lady J’s list, but as the husband of a grad student I’ll fall back on a bland one:

    Relax.

    While it may be hard to get work done when you’re horny, it may also be hard to get horny when you’re overworked.

  4. Jess
    Posted 2011-03-31 at 13:47 | Permalink

    You always write something pertinent to what I’m experiencing at the moment, get out of my head! Right now I’m wondering if I’m “too horny”, and what that means. I think about sex constantly. My husband, who’s older, has a far less intense sex drive, so sometimes I get really frustrated. Where do I go? Literotica.com, Craigslist’s Causal Encounters, and YouPorn. Sometimes a girl’s just gotta go fuck herself.

  5. Posted 2011-03-31 at 13:53 | Permalink

    Jess, lol you are the second person to bring up “how to be less horny”! The first was a FB comment. Here is my response: Where did we get the idea that one can be too horny? Or that horny is a bad thing? Seems like a sex-negative culture thing.

    But, of course digging into the why’s is most important. Maybe it’s not a bad thing, but it is rather curious right? And you are right on track, sometimes a girl has got to take matters into her own hands!

  6. Posted 2011-03-31 at 17:25 | Permalink

    You can’t see this but I am now officially down on my knees thanking you for doing this post.

    I do doubt my sexual prowess a lot. And maybe using these tips can change that.

    I am rather curious on how I got to be as horny as I am. Probably by not masturbating the first eightteen years of my life. I’m twenty now and I’m still making up for it…

  7. Posted 2011-03-31 at 17:34 | Permalink

    Aw, Dalide :) I feel for you. I bet these tips could help you :) Maybe journal about some of ones that speak to you? It sounds like you have a good grip on the past and the whys, so now it’s about taking the reigns of your sexuality and making the(hard) choices to be your sexual self. Maybe I should write a Guide to Masturbation? :)

  8. Wanda
    Posted 2011-03-31 at 18:35 | Permalink

    PLEASE write a guide to masturbation! I lost my virginity at 16, only then began occasionally masturbating, and now at age 20 have began to pick up the pace. I have had a fair amount of sex, but have NEVER orgasmed. I have been masturbating more frequently as of late, with the orgasm in mind as a goal, but still no real luck. I find that I’m far more easily aroused when smoking pot (not sure what your stance is on that), but still can’t seem to find the right moves to bring myself to orgasm. It’s incredibly frustrating and I often feel like I’m just firing shots in the dark. I recently began reading this website and would REALLY enjoy your Guide to Masturbation. Please please please!

  9. Oliver
    Posted 2011-04-1 at 15:16 | Permalink

    Knowing what you want, being comfortable with it, and loving yourself for it characterize positive sexual experience and identity for me. Some people simply call it sexual liberation. Some of us have ready access to it, living in cities, accessing certain music scenes, the college and university system, etc. To me, what sexual libs revert from is a characterization that isn’t based on personal tastes, experiences, and feelings. It seems the most affected group is straight females. They tend to be characterized the ones who are “supposed” to have the least experience. This is to me, because markets with more men spending money to make and view these images inserted their own biases and re-exercised social pressure about men on their own products. What sucks is how men can re-hash it in a negative way, forgetting his own victory and amassing his own insecurity. So yeah, sex sells and sluts sell sex well, but to me, the dominant idea of your average girl is that she should be naive about sex, needs to be taught by “the right man”, and who loves her man for providing it. Her pleasure is derivative of his. In film, showing a close up woman’s face during orgasm tends to go the NC-17 route, especially when she is enjoying it. A brutal rape will get you an R. The opposite seems to function for your dominant male role. There isn’t the slut/good boy schism. He is supposed to be as this article puts it, studly, as I would put it, with a sexual arsenal that could sink a nuclear submarine. Most men can’t fulfill this reality, really be this type of guy that isn’t naive about sex, that can teach women about their pleasure (as opposed to teaching her about his/exploring himself), and who knows what it means to love himself. We discover that through each other in a way that goes beyond sex and goes right smack dab in the middle of identity.The bi/gay scene provides a different lens to look through, so pardon if I sound heteronormative. I’m bi and I live with frat boys so maybe I’m more qualified, anyway. I think the point of this article is that we meet in the middle between our gender roles and start to notice what fascinates/excites/revolts us and why. I told this straight girl the other night I was bi and she was fascinated about my liking men all the way into the sheets. I’m sayin’, if it worked for me to use gender-discussion to get sex then I think it could work for you too. Look for partners that want to discuss this stuff and watch how much more successful your relationship is. Read a book with each other for Christ’s sake, this is love we are talking about, and this is your one lifetime to discover it. I think this type of discussion helps. If we can better come to a consensus about the type of horny people that we are, then we aren’t going to be so timid or prone to social pressure when we experience it and wonder. Straight, bi, gay, whatever. We’re all trying to help each other get better/more booty in my world. Silence is the true cock-block. San Francisco, represent.

  10. Posted 2011-04-1 at 17:04 | Permalink

    Wanda, wow. Well, what I can tell you is that the female orgasm is very delicate. If we begin to feel anxious, if our minds wander, even if our toes get cold– we can’t come. We need relaxation and concentration. Women don’t have a “point of no return” like men do.

    If smoking pot helps, my guess is that the pot is working as an anti-anxiety med for you (my take on pot? it is a wonderful natural medication for things like anxiety!) I would recommend reading Carol Queen and Betty Dodson who have written extensively about masturbation.

    Different women need different things to come. But I’ve noticed that both men and women I’ve slept with tighten up their thigh muscles to come. I notice, because I do this too! And really, this is the only way I *can* come. I think I might still write a guide. But in the meantime, who knows, try laying pigeon toed and pressing your thigh muscles tight while you use the vibe, maybe try porn or a fantasy to relax yourself, take your mind off the pressure. If you find the pot helps, go for it.

    Oliver! Thanks for the lovely insights. “if it worked for me to use gender-discussion to get sex then I think it could work for you too. Look for partners that want to discuss this stuff and watch how much more successful your relationship is.” favorite.

  11. Posted 2011-04-1 at 17:50 | Permalink

    I REALLY LOVE YOU! YOU ARE AMAZING! ME DECLARO FAN TUYO DE POR VIDA!!!!

  12. Posted 2011-04-3 at 23:14 | Permalink

    These are fantastic! My favorite is “Imagine yourself as a stud, instead of a slut”. Because as much as some of us like to think of ourselves as sluts, that word is still unfortunately tinged with the icky, sticky sludge of taboo. So until that wears off, STUD is a really great way to circumvent the shaming inference that slut has.

    xo~Sadie

  13. Kristiy
    Posted 2011-04-28 at 23:45 | Permalink

    “people will PAY GOOD MONIES” to worship your body. LOVE IT!! I would love to hear how I can get paid to let someone worship me? Hello that shit makes me horny thinking about getting paid to be lavished and get off!!!! Please post an article on how to go about getting into this win win situation. This blog is the most amazing fuckin blog ever!!

  14. Posted 2011-04-29 at 16:36 | Permalink

    Haaay Kristiy! GOOD MONIES! I swear! :D haha. Well FOR ONE, have you ever heard of “solo videos”? Basically yeah, that’s the most common way, girls making videos of themselves being all sexy for people to pay $$$ Tempting right? But, it only gets weirder from there. Google at your own risk ;)

  15. Posted 2011-05-5 at 20:12 | Permalink

    Theres a common misconception that women don’t want sex as much as men which is completely inaccurate. Women enjoy sex just as much as men if not more. The problem is that they grow up hearing “don’t be a slut” or “that’s not lady like”. It makes women insecure in their sexuality.

  16. Posted 2011-05-5 at 21:17 | Permalink

    You got it right, Zeus.

  17. SouL
    Posted 2011-05-26 at 22:55 | Permalink

    omg if the girls get as horny as the guys can be, i think this world is in a BIG trouble~ haha~ cos girls can do it without rest!!!

    i remember one of my guy friends complain to me about her ex who had sex with him like 3~5 times a day~ i mean every single day~

    so i think girls are as horny or hornier than a guy could be~

    lol he was complaining! :))

  18. SouL
    Posted 2011-05-26 at 22:57 | Permalink

    oops i mean his ex* ;P
    im a guy too btw xD